Saturday, February 18


As Gracie Ann had a hard week......totally unforseen by both Jeremy and myself, we tried so hard to lay our worries at the Foot of the Cross and trust that God would carry us through this uncertain event.
Jeremy took Gracie Ann into the hospital to have a G-button (feeding tube) placed.  We had been prepared for this day, from the first day of her precious life.  She would eventually need to be fed through a tube as she would lose the ability to swallow, as her brain had been so damaged when we both stopped breathing.  We fed her orally for almost her entire first year and we saw that a a huge blessing!  We wanted to make sure that she was getting all that she needed, and as she slowly ate less and less food, we decided that the time had come to nurish her another way.
Jeremy took her to our amazing pediatrician, who wisely told us to go to Cook Children's ER, because as an inpatient, surgery would happen sooner than an outpatient, and Gracie had been on quite the food strike so time was of the essence.  
Jeremy took her to the ER, as I could not be anywhere near sick people.  It was difficult, but I knew that this was a good thing and a beutiful but painful suffering to offer up for Gracie Ann.

 While in triage at Cooks, Jeremy held Gracie Ann in his arms as the nurse was taking her vitals.  The nurse asked Jeremy if Gracie's heart rate ever ran low....We had never been told that before, but her heart rate plumited to 30 and as calm as this wonderful nurse could be, she immediatly called for help and a team of people took Gracie from jeremy and rushed her to another room.  They had to do chest compressions 3 times to revive her and a doctor quickly put Gracie Ann on a ventilator as she could no longer breath for herself.
Jeremy and I were absolutely shocked.....Gracie Ann was sleeping peacefully in Jeremy's arms and he could not have even guessed that her life was in so much danger.

Jesus is so faithful to His children and continually protects us in so many if Gracie Ann would have been home that evening, she would have surely died in her sleep!

The prognosis was very grim for her and while we fervently prayed for our little angel, we were still in disbelief that this was really happening.  We were simply going in for a feeding tube.

The next two days were the worst in my life.  I thought that I had experienced all of the pain that I could possibly bear when I was so sick, but that pain was not even close to the agony my heart felt watching Gracie Ann suffer.  A part of me was dying and I knew that God was protecting her, but I told Jeremy that as I always would choose God's Perfect Will over my own.....I didn't know if I would EVER be ready to say goodbye to her!  My heart broke into so many pieces, that is was unrecognizable!

First it was her heart rate, then her temperature, then her platelets, and then her seizures.....all of these were strikes against her fragile little body and there was no way for us to be able to save her from this.
And to top off all of this extreme grief....I was not allowed to be with her AT ALL.  Even jeremy and the kids would stear clear of me after they had been with her at the hospital.  They would have come home and head straight for the shower and put on clean clothes before seeing me, as there were SO MANY horrible viruses at the hospital!  Even Gracie Ann's intensive (ICU) doctor and the charge nurse took Jeremy aside and told them that I was NOT allowed to come up to see her.
This made my suffering multiply as I had to sit at home and worry and miss her.
She began to imporve and her ICU doctor and nurse so lovingly came up with a plan so that I would be able to see her.
They waited until Saturday, when there were no paitients in the outpatient building.  Moved Gracie Ann over to this other building, sterilized a room for me so that I could spend a few hours with my baby girl!  It was the best day ever.  The staff at Cook Children's went above and beyond for me and Gracie Ann, knowing that we needed each other to fully heal.

All masked up and ready to see seemed like it took an eternity (in my mommy's heart) for Gracie Ann to arrive. In reality it was only a couple of minutes
Our kids were so excited to see little Gracie Ann too....they had been able to visit her a little during the week (and of course Jeremy was with her everyday and night)...what a blessing to have all her family near (Madi could not come, but had been able to visit her more than the other three), but I secretly had no plans of sharing her VERY MUCH with anyone else.....but, I DID becasue I knew that it was the right thing to do, but jeremy and the kids allowed me to snuggle her the longest (They knew how much I had longed to even lay eyes on my tiny buttercup), and I just humbly (an excitedly) accepted that blessing from them, as it was complete and total extasy to my soul
She looked entirely precious in her sweet little wagon (she took up less than half of it) the family was snapping pictures (which I am so thankful to have now, to look at) I just wanted her in my arms AS SOON AS I COULD.....I just couldn't wait any longer to hold my baby girl....I was just shaking with anticipation!

I could barly hold my composeure as the nurse got her out of her little red wagon

She felt like Heaven in my arms.....I have missed her so much!
I always put my nose gently on hers and rub them together.....we have always done this with each of our chldren, but for Gracie Ann it is a most important way to connect, since she is special needs and doesn't really see well (at least we were told that) and I have faith that this is how she knows her mommy.
We call it a "nosy"
I never wanted to let her go....a mommy and her baby have a bond like no other.....she is my heart living outside of my body.  Some of her chemical makeup resides inside of my forever (as dose the make up of ALL five of my babies)
Isn't our Lord amazing how He does that...I always stand in awe of Him

LOVE, kerry ann