Thursday, April 12



My Sweet Lord Jesus,
I feel crippled and small and crushed beyond repair.  I woke up with Gracie Ann in my arms this morning. 
I was not dreaming about her, but as Isaac walked into our bedroom, I hurried to move Gracie Ann out of the way as Isaac climbed up onto our bed to snuggle with Jeremy and I.
Even though, I physically felt her little body inside of my embrace... 
I realized that my arms were empty.
The split second that ended as abruptly as it started, pierced my heart like a sword, and re-shattered it, in one instant....into a million shards of tears on the floor.
Oh my Jesus, I am a mommy without her baby. 
Oh Gracie Ann,
I just don't know how to live without you.  
Each and every day I feel as though I am simply surviving this life.

Dearest Jesus,
Even though I cry  for my Gracie Ann, I know that my true faith and happiness lies in the beautiful cross that lays heavy across my back.  
The cross that will truly save my soul and will show the world Your Most Holy and Brilliant Face.
That is all I be transparent, as You shine for all to see.
Please know my Sweet Jesus, that my 4 precious babies, who are still with me, and my adoring husband, whom You created for me to journey through this life with, give me such overwhelming happiness, but there will be always someone missing.
We all feel her absence....From our oldest child, trickling down to our very youngest
Beyond all, we truly want her happy and safe with You in Heaven...
 but selfishly, we just want to hold her in our arms again just one more time...
Just One more hug
Just One more kiss
Just One more snuggle more would never be enough, as You, our Mighty Creator, did not design Your children for goodbyes.
I just want my family to be whole again.

You bless me with so much genuine happiness, even as I miss my baby Gracie Ann so much....But in between all of my smiles, there in, lies a most clamored little heart.
On my face, covered with smiles filled with joy, I hide my brokenness from the world, most of the time....
But sometimes (actually a lot of times).........I just cry.
It gives me peace to know that my heart is safe.....hidden within Your Most Sacred Heart

You, my Lord Jesus gives me the Grace to get through each and every moment at the VERY moment that I need that Grace......and not even one second before 
You do not stock up Your Grace inside of my heart....that is the way that humans lie to themselves. 
We stock up on things and have a deceptive confidence on worldly promises that continually fail us.....
But, You Lord have shown me, through the showering of the most abundant blessings of calamities.....that You alone will forever be Faithful to me....I love being Your little kerry ann

You will NEVER fail me....All You ask of me, is to trust in You
....And I do Lord.....I honestly do! 
Jesus, through all of Your work in me....I want to show Your beautiful Face to everyone whom You are hidden from.

I never want to forget this affection of the true praise that I feel for You, I feel You so near to me, during this time, as You heal my heart.
I love this picture below, as it shows how You meticulously and lovingly thought of me as You envisioned Your desires for my soul....

You carved MY cross and You and ONLY YOU truly know what I need, in order to be formed into the child that You imagined me to be.  A child who pleases her Father above all.

Jesus, thank You for this special cross that You Hand carved out of the most beautiful wood just for me, covered in jewels and brilliant in exquisiteness.
And, thank You for helping me to bear it's unyielding weight
I will get through this because it is not my strength, but Yours.....I will praise You Lord Jesus...Today, tomorrow and forever
love, kerry ann
My Dear Gracie Ann,
Isaac and I love to come after Daily Mass each day to visit you.
As we walk around the church to enter the prayer garden....Even if the world around us is completely muted in solemnity.......

Just as we round the corner, after passing the beautiful statue of Jesus (Isaac and I listen eagerly, with a small amount of apprehension)

....And without fail, one or more birds spontaneously break into beautiful song without hinderance, which excites Isaac and I to no end....
And when we hear these beautiful songs....praising and honoring our Great Lord Jesus, we know that they are a special gifts from you, our sweet Gracie Ann, who loves to please her mommy and her brother.
When the sound of song fills the garden with insurmountable beauty, Isaac immediately.....without any reservation, runs to your special spot to bid you a "hello, my Sweetie Sweet Gracie"
I kneel down and we talk to you and I place my hands (flushly) gently on your stone with great hope and love (it is the place where I am closest to your tiny little shell...your precious and perfect physical little body)  I have a hard time having to take my hands it feels each time like I am letting you go all over again.
Then Isaac and I sing (Isaac's special song that he always sang to you ever since you were born) "You are my Sunshine"....
Then we walk over to the church building and touch the outside wall of the church, exactly behind where the Tabernacle sits, in all of it's Lucent Dominion
These little traditions give Isaac (and I) so much joy and doing them each day is something really important to him, as he continually asks Jesus to give you back.  It is true healing for both of us.
We each give you a kiss goodbye, and as 
we leave the prayer garden......we walk (actually we always end up running) up the hill to the 12th Station of the Cross, which statue depicts the Crucified Christ...There, we bow down in reverent prayer and proclaim a "Glory Be"
Isaac then always asks me to lift him up to the statue of our Lord to kiss His most Beautiful and Holy Feet
These special visits are the highlight of my day and I never want myself nor Isaac to ever forget this special time we were/are blessed to spend with you
I love you my sweet little saint and I miss you with all of my heart. I will miss you forever...each and every day, until I get to see you again when I finally face my Beautiful Jesus, at my judgment
I dream about that day all of the time..."I Can Only Imagine"
I don't want to ever forget how I feel right now today....because I hurt so much, but at the same time I feel Jesus mighty Arms holding me SO close, as He continues to heal me.  It is a lot like when I was so very sick, just barely holding onto life.....It was/is like simultaneous agony and ecstasy....I just cannot explain.
  You are my Sunshine Gracie Ann
love, mom
A song that speaks the cries of my heart, and comforts me as I grieve
"You Never Let Go"
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
Your perfect Love this casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back, I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear
Whom then shall I fear

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see the light that is coming for heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles, but until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for heart that holds on 
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise you
Still I will praise you

“You Never Let Go”
By, Matt Redman
I love You Christ Jesus and I promise to continue to reach out for You and praise You, each and every day of my life until my very last breath
love, kerry ann