My sweet Lord always talks to me and tells me all that I need to know to follow Him and to be a good wife/mommy.......I do not always HEAR Him because I am too busy talking myself. Sometimes, I am so busy ASKING Him for His guidance, that I totally miss His gentle and loving answers. This is what happened to me recently during a period of great discernment concerning my sweet Nicholas.
Mommy and Daddy always pray for you, constantly reevaluating your life, making sure that daddy and I are putting you into situations where you will thrive in holiness. This year, our Lord was really tugging at my heart to consider homeschooling you. You worry about mommy so much and really thrive when you have the security of being close to me, assuring yourself that I am okay. Of course (selfishly) I always want my children near me. I was sad to see you unhappy leaving the house each morning....worried. Daddy and I both want you to be happy above all.....and with God as your Center, you will ALWAYS be guaranteed happiness in life. So we always start there....in prayer.
I fervently prayed for our Lord to reveal if homeschooling was His Will for you or if it was simply something coming from within myself (because I miss being a homeschooling family) not seeing His Will clearly.
After praying and praying and praying some more (crying out for answers) and not feeling like I knew for sure what to do, God sat me down for a moment of clarity, because I just wasn't "getting it". I am sure that He sees me as one of His more difficult children, who has a very hard time listening : )
God chose one afternoon in July and greatly blessed me as He spoke to my heart asking me a series of questions:
I just had to record this beautiful discussion that our Lord blessed me with.....mainly for you, Nicholas to read about later when you wonder how mommy and daddy made choices for you and for your siblings
HERE IS THE DIALOGUE BETWEEN GOD AND I THAT TOOK PLACE IN MY HEART
GOD: "Do you want to pull Nicholas out of school?"
ME: "No, I absolutely LOVE the beautiful Christ centered school that my children are so privileged to attend!"
GOD: "Do you feel up to the challenge of homeschooling Nicholas again, right now?"
GOD: "Do you want to take on the stress of homeschooling right now?"
ME: "Not even a little bit."
GOD: "Is your family situation in a good and stable place to pull Nicholas out of school right now?"
ME: "Absolutely not!"
GOD: "Are your friends and family going to think that you are crazy for making this choice when you are so sick?"
ME: "Most Definitely!"
GOD: "Will people look at this decision as irresponsible because of so many red flags in your life right now?"
ME: "Without a doubt"
GOD: "Do you dread what people will think when you tell them?"
ME: "I know that I should not, but I do dread it so much!"
GOD: "Does it bother you that your family and friends might think that you and Jeremy are stupid for making this choice?"
ME: "Yes, it does....Maybe it shouldn't, but especially with everyone praying so hard for my health.....I don't want them to think that I am making silly choices."
AFTER A MOMENT OF SILENCE, GOD GENTLY WHISPERS
GOD: "Then kerry, I must ask you....looking back at all of your answers, why do you think that this calling to homeschool is coming from you?" "Why do you not see that it is Me?" Not one part of you desires this scary leap of faith...." "I desire this for you and I desire this for My son, Nicholas"
ME: (As tears begin to roll down my cheeks) "Oh Jesus, I am so sorry for not hearing You leading me as I am so busy "asking" for guidance over and over, while You are guiding me the entire time!"
GOD: "kerry, do you trust Me?"
ME: "Yes, I trust You completely and with everything that I am!"
So here begins a new journey. With my body trembling, I accepted His Will and went to Jeremy (Daddy) with my revelation......and as the beautiful and faithful spiritual leader of our family, your Daddy took my hand and we made this leap of faith together.
ONE MONTH IN
Oh Nicholas...my sweet son,
You are thriving! You are happy!! You reflect a true sense of security now that you are at home.
For now, this is exactly where Christ wants you to be.....He is always faithful to us and He will let us know when He desires you to return to school. Until then, I am going to soak up every bit of this special time that we have been blessed with. I love you Nicholas.