HONESTLY THIS BLOG POST IS A MESS.....
IT IS A MISH-MASH OF PRAYERS AND THOUGHTS OF PRAISE AND JUST RANDOM "THIS AND THATS"..... THAT DO NOT REALLY FLOW WELL AT ALL....PLUS, THERE ARE TONS OF TYPOS.
I started this post a week ago and it has layed heavy on my heart that I just cannot make it sound right
(to my earthly brain)
THIS POST IS WAY TOO LONG AND IS GUARENTEED TO PUT YOU TO SLEEP.
I JUST CANNOT FIGURE OUT HOW TO "FIX" IT AND THROUGH MUCH PRYAER, I BELIEVE THAT MY SWEET LORD WANTS ME TO STOP WORRYING ABOUT HOW I SOUND AND BE VULNERABLE BECAUSE IT IS NOT ABOUT ME.....IT IS ABOUT HIM
So Here goes.....
"Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words will never pass away." "But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in Heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father."
I desire to live my life focused on NOT MY will, but His (just as He taught us as He did the Will of His Father while on this earth)
"For I have come down from Heaven not to do my will but to do the Will of Him Who sent Me"
"It is in the Name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit that I wish for you to trust in, and follow without ever counting the cost"
I am not worthy of such love and concern, but because I have a Merciful Father, He blesses me beyond all of my wishes and desires
I am, and will always be, overwhelmed and so infinitely grateful at the thought of my Loving Jesus and how He, no matter how often I missread His gentle instruction, will never leave me....and if I ever turn away, He will come to find me. He loves each of His children that much
So, I begin my post about my 31 day Fast from the World
(A little bit of medical talk)
The invitation came in the form of horrible stomach pains and throwing up. It was a Saturday night, so calling the doctor was not an option. I tried to bare the pain with some home remedies, but nothing seemed to work. Jeremy had started out for the drugstore, to purchase yet another remedy for me to try, when the kids called him home, saying that he needed to take me to the hospital because I just could not take the pain any longer.
The hospital was the LAST place that I wanted to be, but as Jeremy and I drove down Hwy114 towards Dallas, we both knew that we had tried every other possible option and that it must be God's Will for us to go.
God has yet to ever let us down, so we sadly made our way to the UT Southwestern Emergency Room.
Well....after triage (bloodwork and an X-Ray,) they admitted me, diagnosing me with an intestinal obstruction that would require immediate surgery.
(This again proved that the hospital WAS where Jesus wanted me to be for my safety)
Oh my poor babies.....waiting for us at home and planning my Mother's Day breakfast in bed for the next morning!
This is not the first time that I have had to leave the our 5 little ones for UT Southwestern and NOT return home as planned.
But, I trusted that God was protecting each one of them and that this suffering would strengthen their precious young souls, as this was somehow MEANT to be a part of their life story. I was not sure how, but I DID know with confidence, that my human eyes could not see even a small portion of God's Perfect Plan.
The only fervent prayer that I had, was for our Lord to promise me that they would NEVER be plucked away from Him.....that their suffering, having to endure worrying about their sick mommy, would sanctify them and strengthen their faith.
I did not want them to ever leave)
Our Lord placed me exactly where I needed to be as my intestines were so badly obstructed that they were ischemic (losing blood flow) They were literally dying, and would die if they did not rupture first, causing my body septic contamination.
(Please notice that I am choosing my words carefully as this entire situation is not exactly "dinner table discussion")
BUT....I must set aside my dignity to praise my loving Father Who has repeatedly saved my life over and over again!
God lovingly guided the surgeon's hands through my surgery and all went well.
I was due to be discharged in just a few days, when I began to experience even greater abdominal pain. Repeat labs and X-Rays were taken along with a CT scan that revealed a bile leak at my surgery site.
This created hundreds of small pockets of fluid, that after testing samples of this fluid, proved to be FILLED with infection. This was very scary for me, because I am incredibly immune suppressed due to all of my anti-rejection medication.
The infection was incapsulated inside the pockets, so my body was not feeling very sick at all, but it was filled with this infection that could break out of these pockets at any time.
I was blessed as I so strongly thought, as I was being given this news.....
what a beautiful opportunity I was given to truly trust in God
I KNOW THAT I NEEDED THIS FAST FROM THE WORLD AND IT WAS GIVEN TO ME OUT OF LOVE
I FEEL VERY SPOILED TO HAVE HAD THIS OPPORTUNITY TO WORK ON MY SOUL WITHOUT ANY WORLDLY DISTRACTIONS
As I laid in my bed, I repeatedly descerned possible reasons for my Lord willing this long hospital stay (I knew that there were MANY things about me that He desired for me to fix and I knew that if I listened carefully to His delicate Voice, I would hear Him already slowly revealing to me His plan)
SO I LISTENED TO THE BEST MY IMMATURE ABILITY AND ACTUALLY HEARD HIM SPEAKING
I was able to have multiple daily conversations about my Beloved Jesus with Doctors, Nurses and other staff....AND my favorite thing in the world, is talking about my Sweet and Loving Savior!!
Doctors and nurses prayed with us and I was greatly blessed with the Eucharist almost daily AND THEN....JUST BECAUSE JESUS CAN.....
Our most holy and humble servant of God, Msgr Hart came to visit me each Sunday, graciously hear my Confession and bless me with Jesus Christ's Body blood Soul and Divinity in the Eucharist.
I felt totally undeserving and I would tell him that each time and he would so kindly smile and offer to come back again. I was SO DELIGHTED and I always looked forward to Sundays
MORE GENTLE WHISPERS OF HIS WILL
THROUGH PRYAER JESUS ASKED ME TO GLORIFY HIM IN EACH AND EVERY INTERACTION I HAD WHILE I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL
AS I WAS MINISTERING TO OTHERS......I WAS ALSO BEING MINISTERED TO, BY OTHERS
AS JESUS WILL WORK THROUGH ANYONE THAT WILL ALLOW HIM TO
There was an abundance of spiritual food that nurished my soul to it's core, helping me to get through each day that I had to be there
Everytime we see each other, both of our eyes well up with tears, because we had a most terrifying, yet powerful experience together. If Esmeralda would not have been in my room at that time, Gracie Ann and I would have surly died....I would not have been even able to call for help)
Each day he would help me gain strength re-teaching me to stand up and use my arms and legs again, through walking.....sometimes I did not even make it out of the room.....BUT whenever I was sitting in the wheelchair struggling to stand up to walk (with assistance)...Koshi would loudly repeat "Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus..." calling on my Father for help, until I was able to come to a stand. What a beautiful witness of faith
Even on my most laborious days, after she and her team took over 15 minutes to set up for my walk with ALL of my masses of equipment attached to me, her smile was still shinning on her gentle and compassionate face. Not for even a second did she ever lose patience with me, even when I just didn't have the strength to accomplish getting out of my bed
One day when I was so sick in the ICU (in and out of conscienceless), I opened my eyes to see Colleen's beautiful face. Her eyes were filled with tears as she stood over me and prayed by my bedside.
She kept telling me that she was so sorry (I couldn't talk to her as I was on a ventilator at that time), but her visit was so very powerful to me and comforted me so greatly. She came because she truly loves me and I love her so much as well)
Mr Harkins had a huge impact on Madison, as she even sought him out for spiritual direction during her most difficult time when I was really sick.
Both he and his beautiful wife Chelsea are so amazingly Christ-filled.....
To have her assigned to help me with physical therapy (I didn't even know that she worked at UT Southwestern) was just another way that Christ revealed His Loving Face to me, reminding me of His constant and unyeilding protection
THESE ARE ONLY A FEW OF THE CAREGIVERS (ANGELS) THAT MY LORD SENT TO ME TO BE HIS HANDS AND FEET IN MY HEALING PROCESS
ANOTHER GENTLE REQUEST FROM MY BELOVED LORD Another blessing that Jesus bestowed on me, was He gave me the most amazing mission to bring joy to whomever entered my hospital room, to whomever I passed in the halls (on our daily PT walks) and He asked me to keep a smile on my face no matter how much I wanted to cry.
It wasn't always easy, but with my Lord's strength, as He carried me through the entire experience, I felt such a strong consolation each and every time God blessed me with the opportunity to forget myself and lift up another.
As St. Mother Teresa once said....."Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's Kindness. God's kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, Kindness in your smile"
Another quote that has greatly impacted my life is...
"We truly find ourselves through serving other's"
I am not sure of it's author
.....and what a joy serving others has brought to my heart
SUMMING IT UP
(It is about time that I tied a bow on this post)
My wonderful teams of doctors (the hands and feet of Jesus) discerned greatly over how to handle my situation.
1. We could wait (treating the underlying infection with antibiotics and drain tubes) but this COULD allow a pocket to break open and an infection to erupt, which they claimed would be nearly impossible to recover from.
2. I could have surgery to attepmt at cleaning out my abdomen of all of the pockets, but my cold-rectal surgeon refused, telling me that my body was NOT strong enough to endure another surgery
But as worried as I would be at times
(feeling sad that once again, my kids had to also experience this fearful time)
Jeremy and I HAD to stay faithful, realizing that Jesus was and is and will always be in control. He was taking care of me....
whatever the outcome for me (life or death), my Lord, God of all of Creation would be glorified...He and only He, who is the Begining and End of all, as our Mighty Creator, is the ONLY ONE in control
My Lord and My God......Thy Will be done
As each day past, filled with great suffering both physically and emotionally, I had the most blessed opportunity (another mission) to glorify my Lord, by offering up all of these experiences as special prayers for others.
Jeremy (who weathered the storm by my side) would remind me of how many souls were rejoicing in Purgatory because of what I was enduring on their behalf, and on the behalf of all of the souls in this world.
This was a beautiful gift....in fact it was the ONLY gift that I had that I could offer my beloved Jesus
I am NOT powerful or important to this world....and I have no strength to speak of (for it is His strength, not mine)....I simply offered my suffering up to God as a physical/spiritual prayer for other souls (souls of my family, friends, people that I know and people that I have never even met, but who need prayers offered for them).....
AND (most importantly) I offer these sufferings for Jesus to do with whatever He pleases.....Because I pray that His Will be done above all else!
Does Jesus NEED my sufferings to help other souls or to grow His Kingdom?
Absolutley NOT. He alone has the power over the entire universe.....He created it! He has infinite command over all things, and needs the help of NO ONE to accomplish His work!
It greatly delights Him so much when His children freely offer prayers and offer their personal sufferings up for others.
Like any earthly father so loves when his young child offers (of his own free will) to help his father with a project (a project much too hard for this little child to really help with).....
This earthly father will joyfully accept his child's help and the father lovingly gives it value.
Our Lord Jesus Christ perfectly loves us a billion times more than any earthly father is even capable of
When I was in pain or in fear, focusing on the good that these sufferings could do for others made my heart flutter with joy. It did not take away the hurt of being away from my kids, or take away being in physical pain, or erase my feelings sadness as I was stuck in bed any easier, but Jesus gave my suffering a beautiful divine purpose!
NOT CONVINCED YET?
Why do bad things happen to good people?
(The age-old question)
Contrary to popular belief...
SUFFERING HAS BEAUTIFUL VALUE AS JESUS EXEMPLIFIED WHILE HERE ON EARTH
Could He have not simply snapped His mighty fingers, instanly taking our sins from us, without His physically suffering?
The answer is absolutely Yes!
of course He could!!
He is God....He can do anything, BUT He chose to come to earth as a Man made of human flesh and bone, teaching us the value of suffering, through His very own arduous example...
"Father, if You are willing, take this cup from Me; yet not My Will, but Your's be done"
I feel spoiled with the crosses that my Jesus has trusted ME to carry. I have to remember that they are His crosses and not mine and they are His crosses to do with whatever pleases Him the most!
I look at these beautiful crosses as constant reminders of my wonderful God, Who I desire more than anything else in this world to grow closer to.
How blessed I constantly feel and how I desire to always suffer for Him and His glorious Kingdom!
I hunger for souls
WHEN I FINALLY GET TO MEET HIM
I want more than anything, to show up to my judgment (when I finally get to look into the most Beautiful Eyes and gaze upon the most Beautiful and Divine Face in the entire universe) laying prostrate at His Feet, with my arms full of souls that our Great and Mighty Lord allowed me to guide back to Him in some little way.
I am going to end because even though this story is not over....This post is just too long
I am sitting at the hospital right now, waitng for another CT scan for acute abdominal pain......please keep praying for me
I love you with all of my heart Jesus. I will praise You in our victories and I will praise You in the storm......Today, tomorrow, and forever
And I will live each and every day of my life trying to please You above all. I long to hear the precious and most perfect words of God
"And behold a Voice from Heaven said, 'This is my beloved Son with whom I am well pleased'"
Oh Lord, please do not be angered by my presumption, as I know that I will never be worthy of such a felicitation from The Most High God of all creation.....
But I am called as Your little child, to make every effort to attain holiness.....a true and pure holiness that requires a daily "yes" spoken sincerely with my entire soul.
It must be a constant "yes" with immediate atonement when I fall short. It is a perpetual battle, but I know, My sweet Jesus, that it is worth everything that it takes and more than my heart could possibly imagine. Please help me to stay strong, Dear Lord, and promise me that You will never let me get plucked away from You no matter what! This is my greatest fear.