(A post from July 2014)
My heart was just so broken that summer of 2014
Thank You Jesus for carrying me
4th of July 2014
(sitting at the Lakehouse in Louisiana)
I miss my daddy SO MUCH that, that to portect my heart, I sometimes I try not to think about him in his current state of mind. I know that, that is very selfish.
My daddy always told me that he, would, as well as I, have a special mission for Jesus. We had many talks about it.......he was the only one who REALLY understood my heart and we were/are bery much a like. I am so sad so often, but especially tonight for some reason. I guess it's a holiday and things everywhere I turn remind me of him. He is/was the most gentle man I ever know, and loved Jesus with his entire being. He helped to form me into a stronger Christian, closer to Jesus my entire life. I feel sad that he cannot respond to me anymore and that I don't know if he cpmprehends what I am saying and I honestly thing that he down not remember me anymore. SO, Madison just told me to tell him anyway She is so wise and sees the pain that losing my daddy's recognition has broken my heart into a ilium pieces.
I just need to talk to you.....
You have been my hero my whole life
You even had silly names for me......like "Brown Bear" or "kernel whitehead"
When I was little and would come home from school feeling bad because another kid had hurt my feelings, you would always tell me that if you were in my class that you would be my best friend.....
each and every day you would list off all kinds of reasons why you loved me so much
You were joyful and fun while always being gentle and loving. You were/are so patient....meek and humble, only raising your voice on occasion....not very often at all
I could always talk to you about anything and I could always trust your advice knowing that it was entirely inspired by Jesus, even though I couldn't have put that feeling of true confidence, into words when I was younger
People always said that I looked like you.....and I think that we totally do!
We had a secret pal club,where we would go to eat lunch at a secret place that we wouldn't tell to anyone......it was the Pizza Hut in down town Middleton Wisconsin, and it had a special miniature door just for kids
At our secret pal meetings, we would talk about anything that I wanted....really a lot of talking (from me) about nothing at all
You knew me better than anyone because you were my dad and we thought a lot alike
In Disney a World, we walked hand and hand swinging our arms and hips and called it our "walking down Main Street" walk, as we laughed and embarrassed mom and Kelley
You called me Kerry Bear and I had an imaginary life in my mind...where I was a little brown bear, living in the woods. You would ask me questions about it.....you asked me what it was like to live there and then you would just sit back and listen...so interested in what I had to say. You are what truly made it "real" for me. I loved that about you
As I grew older, I saw how intimately you knew and truly loved our Lord and would come to you with any theological question that I might have, no matter how important or of small importance that it might be.....my friends even came to you for counsel. I could always trust that you would believe me and take me seriously.
Growing up with your example, I too loved our Lord with all if my heart and soul
I would wake up in the middle of the night to find you kneeling and praying by my bedside
We always turned to our Lord, as we prayed fervently for EVERYTHING (little things and bigger things). We laid them all at the foot Of the cross
I remember coming to you when I was in college on a few occasions with worries about life or spirituality and you would always take time to sit and discuss my thoughts with me. You never had to "be doing something else" I had your full attention as long as I needed.
I remember us talking about how we felt chosen to suffer in a special way for Jesus......and how we would be honored to do so. You just always "got me" (understood me)
You taught me how precious our sufferings were, while carrying His cross so gracefully with such great faith and love for Jesus.....I know that you excepted this cross for Him and that you are offering this suffering for the holiness of our family and for my health. You NEVER doubted that I would be healed. You know this with certainty and because I trust you with all of my heart, I believe that my healing WILL in fact happe!
I NEVER doubt the joy that this difficult surrender fills you with, even while it hurts you to see me so sad about you
Oh daddy it hurts my heart SO MUCH to think about you, so sometimes I try not to....and I'm so sorry for that.
But I love you so much with my entire heart so NOT thinking about you is impossible!
I just hate hurting SO MUCH......Oh daddy, I wish that you hadn't forgotten me!
I wasn't ready to lose you yet.
I am offering this suffering up as a beautiful prayer to my Jesus, as I know would please you, and I feel so humbled that my Jesus would entrust me with such a huge cross, but my heart hurts so much sometimes, I don't know how long I can bare it.
Oh God, I am crying out to You
Oh God, please hold me!!! I'm so sad!!!
Why doesn't he remember me? I'm not ready to be forgotten yet....I wasn't prepared! I don't know who I am now! I have lost part of my identity, as he has said in his silence..."I do not know you"......I didn't see it coming. I've lost him!!! I've already lost him!!!
He won't know me again until we meet in Heaven. I have never longed so fervently for Heaven, where my daddy will embrace me and KNOW (without a doubt) that I'm his Kerry bear. I want him to know his new grandson, Isaac James, that we named In his honor just praying that Isaac will be like his grandpa.....my dad is so virtuous.
Jesus, your Loving Father blessed me with a beautiful inspiration while driving that has given me comfort....
All that my daddy ever wanted was to be holy and please You, Jesus. Because of his illness, he can no longer sin! Because he does not understand the reality around him, he is like a little child, who is not responsible for their actions because they do not understand. He can never again offend You, my sweet Jesus. This is exactly what my daddy wanted was to suffer for Christ with a ruly pure could I know that this terrible suffering is worth that incredibly huge blessing. I Praise You, Jesus for that.....
I am so sorry that I am crying so much
I always tried to hold it in, knowing faithfully that this was a cross God had given me to embrace, carrying it with Grace and love. Lord, Jesus, I know that You won't give me too much. I will never lose faith or fester anger over this horrible pain, I promise, but right now, I just need to cry.
Please hold me close and wipe away my tears because I am so afraid that I may never be able to stop crying. My eyes just won't be dry tonight.
I don't want to be sad, Jesus.
This grieving is just so difficult
My heart is on the floor, broken to the point of being unrecognizable
Please bestow your Grace.....shower me with an abundance of Grace!! I desire it!! I need it!!!
love, kerry ann